How do I stop being so hard on myself?
By No Rush · Updated November 7, 2026
The short answer
Treat yourself after a slip the way you'd treat a friend, and then change one small thing. In a study by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, students who were kind to themselves after failing a hard test spent more time studying for the next one. The kind response led to more effort.
Does being hard on myself help me improve?
Probably not. Juliana Breines and Serena Chen ran four experiments. In one, students first failed a difficult test. Some were then asked to write to themselves with kindness about it. They spent more time studying for a second test than students who were told how capable they were, or who got nothing. Kindness after a failure made the next try easier to start.
How do I stop putting so much pressure on myself?
Start with the moment right after a slip. Michael Wohl and colleagues followed students through two exams. Those who forgave themselves for putting off studying the first time put it off less the second time. An overview of controlled trials by Madeleine Ferrari and colleagues found that exercises in self-compassion lowered self-criticism.
A small way to try it: write down what happened in plain facts, without words like stupid or always. Then write what you would say to a friend in the same spot. Then pick one thing to do differently next time. If the harsh voice never lets up and takes over your days, talk to your doctor or someone you trust.
In the No Rush app
When a step didn't work out, the app asks what got in the way. Then it offers to set up a smaller version, which you can change first, small enough for a bad day. Sometimes it asks what you'd say to a friend whose step didn't work.
No Rush app
An iPhone app for people who feel stuck. It sets out one small next step at a time and tells you why that one. It is not therapy.
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Sources
- Breines & Chen (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143. doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
- Wohl, Pychyl & Bennett (2010). I forgive myself, now I can study: How self-forgiveness for procrastinating can reduce future procrastination. Personality and Individual Differences, 48(7), 803-808. doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.01.029
- Ferrari, Hunt, Harrysunker, Abbott, Beath & Einstein (2019). Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: a meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness, 10(8), 1455-1473. doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6
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- Why am I so afraid of failing?Why failing can feel like a verdict about who you are, why we expect it to hurt longer than it does, and how to test that with one small step.
- Why do I self-sabotage?What self-sabotage is, why people put obstacles in their own way before something that matters, and what it costs them later.