How do I stop seeking approval from others?
By No Rush · Updated October 30, 2026
The short answer
Notice which of your choices come from you. Take one thing you'll do this week and check whether you'd do it if nobody ever found out. Studies on motivation show that people keep going longer with things they find worthwhile than with things they do for approval or because they'd feel guilty otherwise. Then add one small thing this week that's just for you.
Why do I constantly seek approval from others?
Wanting approval from other people is part of being human, and on its own it says little about you. It gets in the way when it decides most of your choices and you lose track of what you would pick yourself. The psychologists Ryan and Deci describe a range here, from doing something to get approval to doing it because you value it.
Does it matter why you do something?
Across 344 groups of students, Howard and colleagues saw a pattern. Those who did their schoolwork because they found it worthwhile or interesting kept going more and felt better. The link was weaker for those driven mainly by pressure from others or by guilt. It is a pattern in the data and does not prove what causes what.
How do I find out what I want myself?
Sheldon and Elliot followed students for several months. Goals that fit their own interests and values got more lasting effort and were reached more often, and reaching them went together with feeling better. A simple start is to ask about one choice this week: would I still do this if nobody knew? The answer shows you where your own wish is.
Do I have to stop caring what others think?
No. What other people think can be useful, and some choices you share with the people you live or work with. The aim can be smaller: one choice a week that you made yourself, and that you can explain without saying who would approve. After that week, look at how it went.
In the No Rush app
The app has a short exercise called What matters to you. You get a series of words and keep the ones that belong to you. Then it shows two at a time, and you keep the one you would miss most. For your top five, you say how much each is in your life now, from 0 to 10. The app shows the biggest gap and asks for one small thing you do this week that points that way.
No Rush app
An iPhone app for people who feel stuck. It sets out one small next step at a time and tells you why that one. It is not therapy.
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Sources
- Ryan & Deci (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78. doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68
- Howard, Bureau, Guay, Chong & Ryan (2021). Student motivation and associated outcomes: a meta-analysis from a self-determination theory perspective. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 16(6), 1300-1323. doi.org/10.1177/1745691620966789
- Sheldon & Elliot (1999). Goal striving, need satisfaction, and longitudinal well-being: the self-concordance model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(3), 482-497. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.76.3.482
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